Boeing Adds New Aerodynamic Plane Holes to Improve 737 MAX Crash Efficiency

As climate change threatens the extinction of millions of very cute animals worldwide, Boeing continues to lead the fight against carbon emissions with its 737 MAX airplane, which can now crash itself into the ground more efficiently than ever.

The latest innovation comes from emergency exit doors that blow holes in the side of the airplane midflight. Like the holes your daddy drilled in the paddle so he could better smack your ass, they reduce air resistance. Paired with a faulty angle of attack sensor, and a fundamentally unbalanced airframe, Boeing’s new plane hole technology means that next time one of these modern marvels drives itself into the ground killing everyone on board, you will experience 2.4 less seconds of sheer terror, and save a significant amount of fossil fuel in the process.

For example, if Boeing’s plane hole technology had been available on Lion Air Flight 610, which drove 189 people into the ground in 2018, and Ethiopian Airlines Flight 302, which drove 157 people into the ground in 2019, then 346 human beings could have slightly reduced their carbon footprints and saved that jet fuel for other uses, like incinerating everyone on board in a massive fireball.