In another triumph for the miracle of modern medical technology, a new vaccine against antisemitism was developed within days by Christian scientists1 working under the authority of U.S. House Speaker John Michaelson (a former children’s eyeglass model from Louisiana). Normally this vaccine development process, especially against a disease as contagious as antisemitism, would take a decade or more to research efficacy and safety. But thanks to a formerly rejected biotechnology that made even DARPA blush, pandemic levels of noticing (Jewish ethnosupremacism) will be over as soon as 70% of the population gets the jab and the boosters.
Critics noted that the new vaccine technology, which consists of an icepick gently inserted into the prefrontal cortex, does not meet the CDC’s own definition of a vaccine. But according to fact checking site Snipes, this claim is False. In fact the CDC improved the definition of a “vaccine” and other words as part of its holistic emergency five year plan for the greater good of all mankind. Asked to define the word “Semite” or “Semitism”, the CDC director ran swiftly in the opposite direction.
The icepick will position a small microchip in the recipient’s brain containing a snippet of information, just like the mRNA in the COVID vaccines. But instead of forcing your cells to repeatedly make the same toxic protein, the new antisemitism vaccine will force your mouth to repeatedly make the same philosemitic remark, such as “Israel Is Our Greatest Ally” or “All Hail Lord Kushner, Chosen King of Zion” (depending on the manufacturer). Experts at Johns Hopkins University reassured the public that the effects of the vaccine will stay confined to the prefrontal cortex and not travel to other parts of the body, such as the female penis.
Lifetime presidential candidate Donald Tramp, addressing the crowd from his residency in Las Vegas, said “People are saying this is the greatest branding exercise since I called my coronavirus vaccine ‘Warp Speed’ and drew that little Star Trek thingie for the Space Force. What the scientists are doing these days is truly amazing. If we only had that technology back then, our speed would have been even faster than Warp. Some kind of Hyperspace, probably. Hold on to your favorite princess!”
According to American and Israeli war criminals, ending the pandemic of antisemitism is the only way to address widespread protest and condemnation of American and Israeli war crimes—which have continued in breach of international law for over 70 years. House Speaker John Michaelson said, “This racist discrimination against the world’s oldest religion, and the new and improved version, cannot be allowed to stand. You know what the Bible says: 400 eyes for an eye. Israel has every right to defend itself from those depraved Canaanites.”
The CDC will allow the most vulnerable segments of the population to get vaccinated first. For this reason the antisemitism vaccine will soon be available at Student Unions across the country. There will also be free ice cream and lollipops.
In the meantime you can wear a muzzle to slow the spread.
Not to be confused with Christian Scientists.
Bravo Lleland!
Thank you for the gallows humour, Lleland. The only thing that put a bigger smile on my face this week was seeing a recent video of Palestinian children playing on the Gazan seashore.
As you probably noticed, in response to the footage, there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth on the Israeli side of the Gazan border... which only made the whole episode that much more wholesome and satisfying.